***My story of pregnancy loss***
Just One More
I find myself saying this quite often these days. My youngest is 4, so we have been out of the baby phase for a minute, but let's be honest, baby fever is real.
Believe me, I'm completely content with our 3 kiddos, but I still sometimes want just one more. My wonderful husband is content too, but he does not want more.
It does make me sad when he says no, but there's more to my sadness than just the thought of not having one more beautiful baby.
I want you
I do honestly want one more, but part of that desire stems from two things...
A desire for my kiddos to stay little forever. My husband and I say it all the time... "4, 2, and 0, that's the age. Take me back to that time."
A desire to have the one that I didn't get to hold. The one I didn't get to see. The one that I loved so much.
Maybe that sounds silly, or maybe it makes me sound selfish. I don't know. Regardless, telling my story has been on my mind lately, so here I am. Ready to cry my way through this blog.
If you would rather not read our story of loss, feel free to skip ahead to
I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER.
Here's Your Baby
This story began when our eldest was only 5 months old. I was exclusively breastfeeding, hoping it would act as birth control, though I knew it wasn't reliable. My periods were irregular: after giving birth in August, I had one in October and none until December. I discovered I was pregnant in February, since my period never came. In March, we were scheduled to see the doctor.
Due to my irregular cycle, my doctor opted for an ultrasound at my first appointment, which we did before seeing the doctor. I estimated I was at least 10 weeks along by this appointment.
At the beginning, the woman performing our ultrasound initially seemed cheerful and happy for us. "Alright, here's your baby," she said. "The baby is measuring at 8 weeks 3 days." Then she fell silent. "Alright, um, I can't find the baby's heartbeat." My only thought at that moment was that maybe it was just too early.
After that, she fell silent. She didn't look at the baby anymore, just wiped me up and said I could get up. I had to request our ultrasound pictures, which she printed and then handed to me without noting the weeks measured, so I wrote it down myself. She left us and came back with another nurse. They mumbled to themselves while we stood there, waiting and confused. Although no one was rude to us, we were unsure of what was happening. My heart was racing, and I was on the verge of tears.
Instead of being sent back to the waiting room, we were taken directly to an exam room to wait for our doctor. Once we were alone, neither my husband nor I really knew what to say, but we didn't want to believe our worst fears. We wanted this beautiful baby.
Our doctor was wonderful, and once he came in, he simply said, "Your baby doesn't have a heartbeat, and it should at this point. We don't always know why stuff like this happens, but you did nothing wrong." I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. The doctor explained our options: let my body naturally miscarry or undergo a D&C. Seeing my expression, he reassured me, "A D&C is not an abortion." My husband, equally devastated, asked for time to think. We left the clinic to consider our decision.
Ultimately, we decided to wait and pray, hoping they were mistaken and our baby was fine. We went for one more ultrasound at the beginning of April to be sure. No heartbeat. Yet, I still didn't schedule the D&C, but after another week I started feeling sick—nausea and stomach cramps. Still no miscarriage.
At this point, a nurse called me, stating our doctor strongly recommends scheduling a D&C because my body isn't naturally initiating a miscarriage, and I would only continue to get more sick if I waited. I remember crying over the phone to this nurse, telling her I just wanted to be sure. Ever so sweetly she said, "I understand what you are feeling, but we won't do another ultrasound. You need to think about what's best for you and your family. Are you helping your family by being sick?"
In my heart, I knew she was right, so I scheduled our D&C. I remember getting off the phone with her and crying out to God, "I just want my baby." I felt like a failure. I felt like I didn't have enough faith.
April 25th
I had a D&C. I cried a lot that day.
I remember... the grippy hospital socks that they gave me because my feet were cold. Yes, I still have them.
I remember... not wanting to let go of my husband's hand as they wheeled me out of the room to go back for surgery.
I remember... the beautiful nurse who held me in the surgery room while they gave me my epidural. "Shh, honey. Just lean on me. You're doing great. Don't worry, honey, you're going to be okay." ... I never knew her name, but I needed her in that moment.
I remember... them talking to me while I went to sleep... "What's your daughter's name?" "How old is she?" "You're such a good mama."
I remember... waking up, hearing a man next to me breathing and writing on a piece of paper.
I remember... trying to wiggle my toes, and he says, "Yeah, good. Move if you can."
I remember... them asking me if I was ready to see my husband. YES PLEASE!
I remember... his smiling face when I got back into our room.
I remember... them giving me Lorna Doone cookies as a snack, and then my husband asking them for more for me to take home.
I remember... being wheeled to our car.
I remember... going home to my 8-month-old daughter, who missed me so much. I missed her too.
I remember... my tiny but mighty baby that wasn't able to be in my arms. One day we will meet again.
I will always remember
I will never forget, and I will always want my baby.
Also, I know another baby will never replace the one that we lost. I also know another baby will never replace the sweet memories I have with our other kiddos in "that time" that we always speak of. However, I truly believe that another baby will be the perfect addition, the finishing touch, and the unexpected joy we didn't realize we needed. The cherry on top, if you will.
No matter what happens
I'm beyond blessed with my beautiful family. They have seen me through some of my roughest times and love me so unconditionally. At the end of the day, I want what God would have for our family. He's never failed us, and He won't start now. And you never know, maybe, just maybe, one day we will have... just one more.
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